Here, Blooming: An Exploration of Anxiety, Grief, and Growth through Mindful Art Therapy

a fear of being known

My experience with anxiety has historically been one of hostility.

That is to say, I’m no stranger to it. We’ve known each other for decades, meeting everywhere from birthday parties for people I know well, to classrooms where I want to be, to my bedroom when I wake from a long, deep sleep. Anxiety and I cross paths in any number of ways, but it’s not to say I haven’t made progress—I have. But anxiety knit itself into my bones early—I remember at seven repeating a pattern of words to keep myself safe—and from my teen years to young adulthood, I rarely left my house because I thought the sky would fall on my head or people might perceive me, know I am a human with feelings and needs; I was terrified of being understood.

At the time of starting this project, anxiety and I have come to a sort of ceasefire: I cut back on the things anxiety doesn’t like—public speaking, tight spaces, being known—and anxiety doesn’t toss me into a spiral of agony.

But this is no way to live, and so it’s this relationship which drew me to this project: an honest, in-depth exploration of anxiety and the seemingly impossible task—at least to me—of befriending it. Because of this, I created a ten week mindful art therapy program for myself, one that would cause me to delve into my anxiety, learn to understand where it comes from, and find ways to make peace with it.